“Experience is a dangerous teacher—but you learn” -C.S Lewis
It’s only been about eleven months since I went through a really difficult experience and so much has happened since then. I have had many ups and downs, made some bad choices, and suffered hard consequences for those actions. I have lost relationships with some people in my life and have gained stronger ones with others. I suffer from depression, but am becoming stronger every day. My Mom has helped me see that along the road to recovery, the only way I can do it is through and with Christ. I can’t do it alone and it won’t be the way that I want it to be. I not only need to accept that, but I also needed to forgive myself before I could ever move forward (something I struggle very much with, but am so grateful to have a loving Mom to keep picking me up when I want to stop and sit down).
So this is what I have learned and this is what I’m trying to work on every day…
Just like anything in life, if you want to build something good, it will take time. I am someone who likes to fix things quickly, I want things to be better fast, and I always want things to go back to the way they were, but this is life. You won’t heal over one day, things won’t be like they always were, and I never will be the same person I used to be. It’s a fact and first, to ever get better or to begin to get better, I have to accept that. No I won’t be the same person I once was before, because so much has happened to me since then, but because so much has happened, I can choose to become better than I was. To become stronger and braver, I have to fight hard to prove to Satan that he has no power over me. Yes things will take time, because in order to gain a testimony of Christ, you have to take the time to build it every day. I have to read my scriptures again, say my prayers, and try my hardest to be obedient to the Gospel. Will I be perfect all the time? Will I do this every day? No. But the most important thing to Christ is that I never give up and continue to build even when it’s hard. Most importantly, I have learned that in order to have faith in Christ and His atonement, I have to believe in His will. I can’t set out for my own plan and be angry when it doesn’t turn out like I wanted it to be. I am learning to accept God’s plan for me every day. Every day I am working on things to become more like Him and have His spirit in my life. It takes sacrifice of things I used to do and be and it takes time and faith.
I love my family with all my heart and I have seen that the things I went through were given to me to grow and learn from so they could help me for where I currently am in my life today. I have to remember how Christ pulled me out many times before and just because this trial was very new and different to me, that didn’t mean He was going to leave me stranded. He was never waiting for me, He had been there with me the whole time. I have been the one waiting around, deciding whether or not to let Him help me.
It’s funny how I had no idea why I went through certain trials before, but because I did go through so much I have been blessed and reminded of my Savior’s love for me now.
I know God lives. I know He really does look out for all of His children. I have realized that you don’t just convert to the church when you are 8 and are baptized, but that like anything in life, you have to work on your testimony every day and consistently convert yourself to the Gospel and take time for God. He does care, but you have to build that relationship with Him. You can’t expect one night of reading the scriptures to carry you through out the rest of your life. We keep building His kingdom every day.
When you are in your deepest despairs, or depressed beyond measure, pray to Him. Go to him. Just open a page of your scriptures and look upon his words he had written for YOU. Never give up on the hope of our Savior Jesus Christ. He is the one who understands the true intentions of our hearts and that the pain will be excruciating. He will help us get through it and if we trust in His plan, then He will comfort and heal us. Don’t worry, it’s something I’m still working on every day and something I’m still not 100% good at. But the Savior isn’t giving up on you, so you don’t give up on yourself either. It’s not about being saved by God’s grace, but being changed by God’s Grace. Faith without works is dead; you have to put in work in order to be saved. I am changing and growing every day and with Christ I am changing and growing closer to Him. Day by day. Step by step. Don’t worry about how many times you’ve fallen, but how many times you are determined to get back up.
Guest Post by Kauri Tye a student at Utah State University